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Question: 

I'm at a stage in my life where nothing's wrong but I'm not handling it. I've hit fifty, my parents are getting older, and I've got less patience. I haven't fulfilled the dreams I thought I would reach by now, and I'm not settled in myself. Is this normal? What do I do to get through this? It's starting to really get me down.

Answer:

Yes, it's normal. Getting older brings challenges that can catch us by surprise. Everyone faces them in different ways, and you can't avoid them.

But you don't have to face them on your own. It's good that you reached out, and don't hesitate to seek professional help from a therapist.

What I can offer you is a formula from the Baal Shem Tov for dealing with just about everything that comes your way. It's a three-step process: Acceptance, Separation and Sweetening.

Let's take your situation. You're not as young as you used to be. Neither are your parents. You don't have the energy, stamina, and light-heartedness you had twenty years ago. It's frustrating.

Let's apply the three steps.

First comes Acceptance.

Accept that you are getting older. This is where you are. You can't fight reality. You can't reverse it. You can't go back in time. You can't switch lives with somebody else. You are who you are, where you are, right here, right now. You don't call the shots, G-d does.

Accept it. That doesn't mean giving up. It means starting from where you are. Until you accept that, we can't move on.

Once you've accepted reality as it is, you need to shift your perspective on it.

This is the second step: Separation.

Separate the facts of your life from the story you're telling yourself about them. Drop your assumptions. You have defined getting older as a bad thing. Separate from that definition and see it for what it is: entering your next stage.

You aren't falling, you are progressing.

That sets up the final step: Sweetening.

Turn what seemed negative into a positive. The things going on in your life, even if they seem like obstacles, can become stepping stones.

Getting older means engaging in life on a more mature level, experiencing things more deeply, appreciating what you once overlooked.

You may not have achieved everything you dreamed of, but perhaps there are new dreams you never even thought of.

You are being invited to go deeper into life, to embrace a new level, to take a step up. Difficulties are not just interruptions to life, they can be invitations to growth. Don't avoid the challenge. Take it on, bring it in, let it transform you. Make the bitter sweet.

You need all three steps: acceptance, separation, sweetening. You can't jump to sweetening without accepting where you're at and reframing it. Each step takes time and work. But it's worth it.

Here's the message for someone hitting fifty: you're not getting older. You're getting sweeter.

Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss

Sources:

Kesser Shem Tov 28 quoting Ben Poras Yosef on Lech Lecha: Leave your land (arrogance, opposite of humble acceptance), your birthplace (idolatry that you must separate from), and the land of your fathers (Charan = anger, which needs sweetening)

Zohar Chai Parshas Bereishis: "All the writings of the Arizal are included in these three words."

The Teacher and the Russian Minister of Printing and Censorship

By Hillel Baron

Art by Sefira Lightstone

R’ Moshe, the rabbi of Slavita, was a man with a big dream.

He wanted to open a printing press, but he needed a permit from the Russian Minister of Printing and Censorship. The journey to Petersburg was long and difficult, but R’ Moshe was determined to make his dream a reality.

On his way to Petersburg, he stopped in Liozna to get the blessing of the Alter Rebbe, whom he held in great esteem.

The Alter Rebbe surprised R’ Moshe with an unexpected suggestion:

He told R’ Moshe to go to Mogilev and find R’ Yisroel the Melamed, a local teacher, and ask him to travel with him to Vilna. The Alter Rebbe promised that if R’ Moshe followed his advice, he would succeed in his endeavor.

Although R’ Moshe did not understand how this would help, he trusted the Alter Rebbe and set out to fulfill his instructions. He found R’ Yisroel and convinced him to go to Vilna.

When they arrived, they went to the home of R’ Meir Refoels, a devoted disciple of the Alter Rebbe. They were still unsure what they were supposed to do there, but decided to stay until they gained some clarity.

On Shabbat, they took a stroll through a local park. As they walked, a well-dressed man approached them and asked the teacher from Mogilev, “Do you recognize me?” He introduced himself as Berel, his student from more than 20 years earlier.

The teacher was surprised, because Berel did not look or dress in the manner of religious Jews. Berel told them that the teacher had shown him great compassion when he was a rebellious young boy.

Berel had misbehaved and, as was customary in those days, it was a given that he would be caned. However, the kind-hearted teacher decided to forgo the punishment, saving Berel from pain and shame.

Decades later, Berel still felt a debt of gratitude and wished there was some way to repay his erstwhile teacher for his kindness.

The teacher asked Berel what happened to him after he left his tutelage.

Berel replied that he couldn't find his place in the world of Torah scholarship, so he went to university, and was now taking a break from his position as the Minister of Printing and Censorship.

The three men were stunned as they realized how Divinely inspired Alter Rebbe’s advice had been.

The very next day, R’ Moshe received his permit from Berel, and he returned to Liozna to thank the Alter Rebbe for his guidance and blessing.

And sure enough, he went on to found the vaunted Slavita printing press, which produced prized Chassidic works, Talmuds and more.

Are we always careful to have compassion even when the situation calls for discipline?

Parshah Riddle:

What was the name of Avraham's nephew, who accompanied Avraham and Sara on their journey.