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Question:
I feel like I am failing as a parent. I want my child to be inspired and spiritually connected. But the more I push it, the more I am pushing him away. My friends say, “Lay off! Let him be!” But that seems irresponsible.
Isn’t my role as a parent to guide my kids? But how do I do that if they don’t want to listen?
Answer:
Sounds like you love your child to death. That may be the problem.
Parenting is compared to lighting a candle. When one candle lights another, the flame has to come close enough to transfer its fire, but not too close. If you press one wick hard against the other, it doesn’t work. Not only will you not light the new flame, you might extinguish the old one.
The lit candle must come close, but allow space. It gives its warmth without taking over. Only then does the second candle catch fire and begin to burn on its own.
That’s parenting.
Our role is not to become our children's flame. It is to help ignite theirs.
Children need warmth, guidance, values, support and inspiration. They need parents who care deeply and invest themselves wholeheartedly.
But as they grow, they need room to discover their own strengths, make their own choices, and develop their own connection to what is good and true.
Sometimes, parental expectations are so intense that they stop being motivating and start becoming suffocating. The child no longer feels inspired by our light. They feel pressured by it. No one is switched on by someone breathing down their neck.
It all comes from love. But loving someone to death may not be such a good thing.
And there’s another cost.
When we become obsessed with controlling our kids, we often extinguish some of our own joy as well. Parenting becomes exhausting. Every setback feels personal. Every disappointment feels like failure.
A flame cannot force another flame to burn. It can only offer its fire. The Torah describes the soul as a candle. Every child carries a spark placed there by G-d. Our task is not to manufacture that spark. It is already there. Our task is to reveal it.
That means less lecturing, more listening. Share your values rather than imposing them. Ask questions instead of giving answers. When they stumble, don't rush to fix everything. Create a warm and loving environment so they feel invited into the light, rather than dragged towards it.
Giving space does not mean abandoning standards. Children still need guidance, boundaries and expectations. But they need them delivered with enough room to make those values their own.
Mother, don’t smother. Play the role, but don’t control.
It’s better to be too mushy than too pushy.
Good Shabbos,
Rabbi Moss
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